Finding Her People: Friendship and Belonging for Neurodivergent Tween Girls
The tween years can bring a noticeable change in friendships. Relationships often become more emotionally intense, group dynamics grow more complicated, and the social expectations that once felt fairly straightforward can become full of unspoken rules.For many neurodivergent girls, this stage can be particularly demanding. They may deeply want friendship and connection, while finding the unpredictability of social situations difficult to navigate. A conversation can shift quickly, humour can carry hidden meanings, and a small misunderstanding can suddenly feel like a major rupture. There may also be increased pressure to fit in, follow trends and understand what is expected without anyone clearly explaining it.We often meet girls who are working incredibly hard to manage this social world. They may carefully watch and copy their peers, rehearse what they plan to say, suppress their natural responses or remain quiet because they are worried about getting something wrong. Some appear to cope well at school but come home exhausted, overwhelmed or distressed. Others replay interactions repeatedly, trying to understand what happened or whether someone is still their friend.
Wanting Connection Does Not Always Make It Easy
Neurodivergent girls are sometimes assumed to be less interested in friendship when their social style looks different. Research suggests the reality is far more nuanced. One study found that autistic adolescent girls demonstrated similar levels of social motivation and friendship quality to non-autistic girls. However, they also reported greater difficulty recognising and navigating conflict within their friendships (Sedgewick et al., 2016).A girl may want close friendships but find groups overwhelming. She may prefer one trusted friend, connect strongly through a shared interest or need more time before feeling comfortable. She might communicate directly in a social environment where meaning is often implied. She may also have difficulty noticing when a friendship has become unbalanced, understanding why another person’s behaviour has changed or knowing how to repair a misunderstanding.These experiences can leave girls feeling that friendship is something everyone else understands naturally. Over time, they may begin to believe that they are the problem.
The Hidden Effort of Fitting In
Many neurodivergent girls become skilled at camouflaging. This can involve copying the behaviour of other girls, hiding confusion, holding back their interests, forcing eye contact or pretending that sensory and emotional experiences are not affecting them.Recent research involving girls aged 11 to 14 found that neurodivergent girls reported more camouflaging than their neurotypical peers (McKinney et al., 2024). While camouflaging can help a young person get through a social situation, it can also make her support needs less visible. Other people may see a girl who appears socially capable without recognising the preparation, monitoring and exhaustion happening underneath.Meaningful connection becomes difficult when a young person feels she must constantly perform a more acceptable version of herself. Supporting friendship therefore needs to include opportunities for girls to experience what it feels like to be accepted without having to hide important parts of who they are.
Why Belonging Matters
Connection is an important part of emotional wellbeing during early adolescence. Research has consistently linked a sense of peer and school connectedness with better mental health and wellbeing. Young people who feel less connected are more likely to experience loneliness, anxiety and low mood (Widnall et al., 2022).Belonging does not require a large friendship group or a busy social life. For some girls, it may mean having one person who shares their enthusiasm for a particular interest. For others, it may be knowing they can join a group without being judged for needing quiet time, taking longer to respond or participating differently.The quality and safety of the connection matter more than how friendship looks from the outside.
Creating Connection Through Shared Interests
Direct pressure to talk, socialise or “make friends” can make connection feel even harder. Shared creative activities offer a gentler starting point.When girls are drawing, making, designing or working on something alongside one another, the activity provides a natural point of connection. Conversation can develop without becoming the sole focus. Quiet participation still counts. Girls can notice common interests, exchange ideas and gradually become familiar with one another in a way that feels less exposed.A thoughtfully supported group can also create opportunities to explore the emotional parts of friendship. This may include recognising personal boundaries, expressing preferences, coping with uncertainty, responding to misunderstandings and learning that conflict does not always mean a friendship is over. These skills are most meaningful when they are explored through real experiences, with adults available to provide guidance without taking over or expecting girls to follow a single “correct” social style.
Girl’s Space: Create and Connect
Girl’s Space: Create and Connect is our new creative connections group for neurodivergent tween girls in Yarraville. Through shared creative activities, girls will have opportunities to connect with others, build confidence and explore the social and emotional parts of friendship in a supportive, neuroaffirming environment. There will be no expectation that everyone communicates or participates in the same way. Girls can join in at their own pace, share their interests and experience belonging without feeling they need to hide who they are.
Friendship cannot be reduced to a set of social rules. It grows through shared experiences, trust, familiarity and the feeling that we are welcome as ourselves. Sometimes, the most important starting point is simply having the right space to meet our people.
Girl’s Space: Create and Connect will run on Thursday afternoons from 4.00 pm to 5.15 pm, beginning Thursday 6 August. Contact admin@affirmingcare.com.au for more information.
